Relationship Anxiety
A closer look at worry, insecurity, and doubt in close relationships
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety isn't a diagnosis. It's a way of describing worry, insecurity, or doubt that shows up in close relationships, whether with a partner, a friend, or family. Almost everyone feels some of this at times, particularly during new relationships, transitions, or stressful periods. For some people, it takes up more space than they'd like, and that's when it can be helpful to look at it more closely.
Everyone's experience is different, and you don't need to relate to all of this. Some people describe:
Turning over a conversation afterwards, wondering whether something they said changed things
A delayed reply taking up a lot of mental space
Wanting reassurance, and sometimes feeling unsure about asking for it
Putting a lot of effort into keeping things running smoothly for others
Feeling closer to someone and, at the same time, more worried about losing them
How it can show up
Where it came from
There usually isn't one cause. Research points to a mix of influences, and they differ from person to person:
How we learned to connect with others. Early and later relationship experiences shape our expectations about closeness and how dependable others will be. Attachment is one common thread, but not the only one.
Sensitivity to rejection. Some people are quicker to notice, and worry about, signs of distance or disapproval.
Past experiences. Previous relationships, losses, or difficult experiences can leave us on alert.
Stress and life changes. Big transitions tend to bring insecurities to the surface.
The relationship itself. Sometimes worry is a reasonable response to a relationship that feels inconsistent or unsafe, rather than something to be fixed in yourself.
When it might be something else
Worry or distress in relationships can look similar to other experiences, and it can be hard to tell them apart on your own. For example:
Worry that isn't mainly about relationships. Everyday worry about many things, such as work, health, money, or family, that's hard to switch off and is there most days.
Low mood. Feeling flat, tired, or less interested in things generally, so relationships feel hard because most things do.
Unease in social situations. Feeling most anxious in groups, meetings, or when being watched or judged, rather than with people you're close to.
Reactions to past distressing experiences. Feeling on edge or easily triggered, or wanting to avoid reminders of something that happened.
Unwanted, repetitive doubts. Intrusive thoughts questioning whether you really love someone, or whether they're the right person, that feel out of step with what you actually want and come with a strong urge to check or find certainty.
These can each call for a different kind of support, and more than one can be present at the same time. That's why the first step is an assessment, so we can work out what's going on before deciding what will help.
Questions you might reflect on
These aren't a test, and they can't tell you whether you have anything. They're just prompts for noticing your own experience:
When does the worry tend to show up, and with whom?
What do you usually do when it does?
Is it affecting how you feel in your relationships, or how much you can enjoy them?
Have you found anything that helps, and anything that doesn't?
How therapy can help
Therapy is a space to understand what's behind the worry, and to explore different ways of relating to it and to the people in your life, at a pace that feels manageable. My approach is warm and collaborative, and draws on attachment-focused therapy. We begin with an assessment so we're working from a clear picture rather than assumptions. If a different kind of support would suit you better, I'll say so openly.
Getting in touch
If you're curious about whether this applies to you, you're welcome to book a short phone chat [15 minutes]. There's no need to have it all worked out beforehand.
This page offers general information and isn't a substitute for an individual assessment. If you need urgent support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, 000 in an emergency or 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) for domestic violence support.